This was not a great year for the devoted dickwatcher, but we did manage to find a few

BY GARY MORRIS

When I told my good friend George, who hates movies, that I was about to embark on my annual survey of full frontal male nudity in the 1999 San Francisco International Lesbian and Gay Film Festival, he proposed I call the piece "A Penis Runs Through It." But for once George was more hopeful than me on this subject; "A Penis Doesn't Run Through It, Unfortunately" might be more apt, given the many tantalizing opportunities that never materialize. Still, though there's less PPSI (pricks per square inch) than in recent memory, there are enough images of our spongy-tissued little pal in every size, shape, and arousal stage to satisfy all but the most demanding dickophile. Ironically, many of the hottest images are in movies directed by women.

In terms of numbers and variety, Annie Sprinkle's Herstory of Porn is the hands-down winner here. Sprinkle's well-known egomania reduces porn history to "her story" indeed; the film acts as if the only sex movies ever made were those she starred in. But at least she tosses a boner — or a bag of them — to queerboy fans by including an endless stream of celluloid cocks in every imaginable guise and some that could hardly be imagined. Broad-minded viewers will appreciate the range here — numerous hard-ons, penetration of every orifice, come shots, the rarely sighted "dwarf dick" (Annie and a little guy 69), and the always transgressive trannydick, this one attached to her FTM boyfriend Les.

Alex Dimitriades in
Head On

Another surprising appearance occurs in the Australian/Greek feature Head On, which buries the notion that lesbians can't portray homoeroticism. Director Ana Kokkinos bravely surpasses many of her male counterparts in featuring not only lots of hot anonymous sex but her hunky hero Ari clutching a juicy hard-on after a languid masturbation sequence. Underground auteur Sadie Benning is also persuasive in this area; her pixelvision masterpiece Flat Is Beautiful casually includes full frontal male nudity in a bathtub sequence.

Bathtubs and showers are among the most logical places to expect sightings, and here the festival provides at least one good example. In The Trio, gorgeous bisexual Rudolf seduces his girlfriend's father in the shower, and director Hermine Huntgeburth shows us exactly what daddy can't resist in a full-length nude shot of Rudolf beckoning to him. Their frenzied coupling here is one of several in the film, but the only one, alas, that gives us the goods. Spin the Bottle, a solid update of The Big Chill with a queer twist, also features naked men in the water. In spite of the fact that this is a skinnydipping sequence, where the prickwatcher has every right to expect at least a brief view of his fetish, director Jamie Yerkes offers only other body parts. To be fair, there's serious consolation in the red-hot homo make-out scenes by straight-identified characters, more proof that women directors are every bit as capable — and now as likely, it seems — to show queerboys in heat.

Some of the festival's penisspottings may confuse less forgiving phallophiles. In Don't Tell Anyone, a smart but overlong take on Peruvian macho, there's a familiar scene where a bullying father forces his fey son to visit a prostitute. Inexplicably, amid hand-wringing 'plaints of nonperformance, the film shows its queer male lead with an unmistakable hard-on as he prepares to straddle the simpatico whore. But perhaps this is nitpicking, since he does turn out to be reluctantly bisexual. Beloved Friend is another well-made Spanish-language movie (from Spain) with a cock shot. This time it's at the very end of the film, when an abusive male whore dolls up in s&m drag and, in the dim light of his bedroom, reveals the source of his hefty income.

Dick-watchers obsessed with the buff and the super-hygienic may find the prick in the fine Norwegian feature Desperate Acquaintances unappetizing. Not that it lacks allure. It's attached to Yngve, an endearingly sexy straight guy who, in a twist rarely seen in movies, begs for love from his gay best friend, who's more annoyed than excited. But Yngve's substantial jewel collection is displayed to disadvantage in a hetero sex scene where the condom breaks and everything gets quite messy.

Fans of the transgressive will want to catch Divine Trash, the documentary on John Waters, if only for its reprise of the scene from Pink Flamingos where David Lochary is unexpectedly flashed by a laughing she-male. Another "surprise schlong" appears in Sitcom, an Almodovar/Waters-style camp assault on the family. This one is a none-too-convincing prosthesis one of the boys uses to shtup the family maid.

Pink Narcissus

Speaking of camp, the legendary underground homo kitschfest Pink Narcissus (1971), attributed to "Anonymous" for reasons that will be obvious to the viewer, parades the weighty schlong of its star, Bobby Kendall, from every angle, pressing against sailor trousers and eventually popping out in all its glory. Included is an unexpected "come on the camera lens" scene, which still resonates.

Another section of the queer underground was occupied by Bob Mizer and his company Athletic Model Guild, which must have stimulated millions of jerk-off sessions for horny queers during the dark days of the '50s and '60s. Mizer's story is told in Thom Fitzgerald's Beefcake. which the distributor claims contains "miles of dick." While I have no reason to doubt this, I have not been able to personally verify that we're in fact talking "miles" or merely "feet" or — god help us — "inches" of dick.

Penises also pop up in several of the shorts programs. The richest of these for dickophiles is the Canadian compilation Boys Up North. Mother Marilyn features a couple of cut-out naked musclemen and a medical text photo of a nude man. The doctor in Fruit Machine is haunted by images of commercial cocks and pulls a hot homo hunk out of his medical bag when he gets home. And Stargaze has yet another medical motif. (What is it with these Canadians and the medical field?) Here a doctor tries aversion therapy on a '50s homo boy, who strips down to his dick in one scene. Electroshock sequences are convincing and brutal, but all is forgiven when the irrepressible queerboy visits a planetarium and blissfully replaces stars and planets with naked men.

August 1999 | Issue 25
Copyright © 1999 by Gary Morris

ACCESS: The shorts probably won't survive the festival circuit, but look for several of the features and documentaries mentioned here to make it to cable TV, video, or — at least in those cities not in the religious right's psycho deathgrip — PBS.

ALSO: More film festivals and gay and lesbian cinema

More festival coverage

Festival overview
For the 1999 San Francisco International Lesbian and Gay Film Festival, this is the year of the closet — empty!

Sons of Hercules
Traces the sword-and-sandal epic from 1914 to the final glory days of the early '60s, when a mini-army of muscleboys paraded through cheap sets and mindless plots in loincloths and lamé

Documentaries
Gendernauts, military drag queens, and communist queers distinguish this year's docs

From the archives:
Coverage of the 2003, 2002, 2001, 2000, 1998 and 1997 festivals, including Penisspotting 2002, Penisspotting 2001, Penisspotting 2000, Penisspotting '98 and The Penis in the Festival '97